The girls own a lot of books, and the tiny bookcases in their room were outgrown. So I bought this kit today at Target and put it together. Kind of huge for their room, but it will hold both of their books probably. The shelves are not in yet, obviously. The back is cheap cardboard crap, but once shelves and books are in it won't be noticed. I enjoy being able to do things like this. I know anybody can follow instructions (well, actually, according to Dennis, they get people in all the time who can't put their stuff together), but I still feel a satisfied sense of accomplishment. I put together a small bookcase once, and a large computer desk. That's right; I am woman, hear me roar! (when I am not whimpering)

So, more journal:

January 31,2004

Thank God, January is over. Only 11 more months of this year to endure. We got a check today from the hotel where we stayed, to replace the Game Boy and games, but they have not done anything to convince us to stay there again. And I will inform them of that at some point.

Side by side I see them kneel

My Grandfather and my son

Saying their prayers

As Grandpa and I have done

"Our Father, Who art in Heaven"

As they bow at the Good Lord's

I hear their voices speak as one

The Timmer and Grandpa Sweet

written 12/27/03 by Annette

I wrote the above while in the car on the way to The Producers. I left it for awhile, thinking there might be more to it, but that is all that came, so it is enough.

I miss you, Tim.

February 10, 2004

It is hard for me to sit and write the following, but I know I have to. On December 9, Tim had what was to be the first of 2 part ear surgery to restore hearing to his right ear. The hearing was very bad, bones in middle ear badly damaged from chronic ear infections as a baby. The surgeon cleared out the disease, like a cyst in there, and found all 3 bones fused together. He separated them, and found one of the bones just was not moving at all. The plan was, sometime in the summer of 2004, go back in, and replace that bone with a prosthetic. The surgery went well. However, sometime during the week before the surgery, it may have been the day before, I was nervous and edgy. It was after all surgery, and things can go wrong. People have died during surgery. And I can have a very over active imagination sometimes, it takes me places that just aren't good. I found myself imagining something happening to Tim, how I would feel (agonized). There were some pretty horrible thoughts. {Thoughts that I actually deleted from my journal as I copied and pasted here, I just could not face them again.} Maybe I was in bed, fell asleep and dreamed some of it. That is what I would like to think, rather than my imagination came up with such  scenarios. It pains me so much that Tim is gone, and that he might have been in pain before he died. I certainly never made either of my kids sick or kept them sick. I hated it when they were sick. But still, that imagination scenario I had makes me ill. Did I bring something on, because God saw what was in my thoughts? And that leads me to wonder, was it my fault, did this awful thing happen to my son because of my many sins? That seems extreme, because then the child is being punished for my sins, but only God knows his ways. I hate these thoughts, but I can't always suppress them. All I can do is ask God to forgive me, for Tim to forgive me. {I have moved past this, thank God. I feel pretty certain Tim did not die for my sins (that was Christ"s job}

Tomorrow, Hugh and I are meeting Renee Brandt, the girl who hit Tim. Her mother is unable to be there(if it were my kid, I would be there, even though she is 18 and an adult), but we are still meeting her. It will be hard, but a good thing. We have our grief recovery(yeah right) in the evening, then my sister, Karen, and her son Pat, arrive at 10:30pm.

 

March 12, 2004

I keep thinking of things I want to write here, during the day as I go about my business, or at night as I am going to sleep, but I have been avoiding sitting down here and writing anything. The past few weeks, I have been hiding in books.

The scholarship is all set up, and what a wonderful tribute to our Tim. The web site to go with it is beautiful! What an incredible person Ed Leard is. We had a lovely dinner at their house a couple of weeks ago, enjoyed meeting his wife, and Alex, and Danielle, their 2 year old. Dennis had fun with Alex, said he is "cool" and "awesome". {We have recently dissolved the foundation. It was just too much for our small, busy "committee" to run it the way it needed to be run. I am sorry for this, but am finding other ways to honor Tim}

Simonson Photography kindly called In January and offered us the original of his last school photo, I thought that was so kind. I took it to DigiPhoto, the place he recommended and got some wallets, 5x7 and 3x5 made. I picked them up, and ordered an 8x10 at that time. I got them home and was not happy with the color, so I brought them back with the original so they could match it. He also said he would redo the 8x10, it's color was a bit off too. He said they were all paid for, and I said that I had not paid for the 8x10. He said it was paid for by Jessica. She works there part time, and is in the Madrigals at Aliso Niguel. I thought that was so sweet. I was so overwhelmed by her kindness that I started crying there in the store.