thoughts on an earlier post

Around this same time last year, a hummingbird nest was discovered in a bougainvillea outside our patio wall. It had 2 eggs in it. In early February, these babies were there. It was so sweet to watch them grow. When I took a picture later as they were outgrowing the nest, one of the babies got startled and flew away. A couple days later the other baby was gone. I wonder where the hummingbirds are nesting this year? I hope I get to see them again.

Going back to an earlier post, where I remarked on a comment in my old journal about "God having His plans" and "wanting another voice for the angel choir":  Maybe God does have his plans, I don't think the death of my son was one of them. I do think that God took Tim home, because he was too badly hurt to stay here. In death he was healed as he could not be in life. And the notion that God needed another voice for the heavenly choir, well, that's just trite bullshit. It sounds nice, and pretty, but when you get down to the nitty-gritty, that is not what it is all about.
Most people(and I was one of them) will say things like this when trying to comfort a grieving person. It doesn't help. One that really ticks off grieving parents is: "He/she is in a better place". Really? What can be better than here, with his family who loves him and needs him? At our advanced age we were spared the "well, at least you can have another baby". I have read on some forums some parents raging about comments like that. It never really bothered me. I guess in someplace in my heart I knew that they were trying to comfort me, and were really just at a loss for what to say. I feel sorry for them. We grieving people have our own pain and sorrow and fear, but so do the people who have to deal with us, especially when the loss is that of a child. People are suddenly faced with the fact that it could be their child and that is scary, and they just don't know what to say. Or do. I get it. And it's ok people.
From my own experience, and the writings of others, here is what I found works best: If you feel you must say something (I know it's hard for some of us to keep our mouths shut!), a simple "I'm sorry" is usually sufficient. "I miss him too" "We love him too". Maybe a memory you have (these are always welcome!). And just sitting in silence is absolutely fine. Just knowing that someone is there can be enough. If you want to do something, it's usually best not to ask, "what can I do?" or "call me if you need anything". People who are  used to doing for themselves usually won't ask, and usually won't call (we learned to, and it was not easy). If you are there, feed or walk animals, do dishes, anything you see that might need doing. Bring groceries, dinner, etc. Check the fridge to see if they need anything. It is all appreciated. Call first, but come over some morning with bagels or donuts. This stuff is still helpful even several weeks after, believe me. Even years down the road, we still want to know that you remember our loved one. We still want to hear you say his name and share a memory.