Out of control

This is Boomer, back when he was a playful kitten. The same cat that gets so tormented by our kitten Misha. Poor, put upon old man. He is 10 years old. Tim wanted a black kitten for Christmas, named Zaboomafoo. What Tim did get for Christmas that year was a kitten collar with a tag that read Zaboomafoo in his stocking.  I think we found Boomer and his sister Ginger in March. Zaboomafoo is his name, but we call him Boomer. His sister died almost a year ago. The collar and tag Boomer never liked wearing is in a box with a few other special items, which had held Tim's ashes. I think of that box (which sits out here in our living/dining area) every time I read The Littlest Angel on Christmas Eve.

I have been in a bit of a funk the past couple of days. No reason that I can pinpoint, it just is. Sometimes I am still on that grief rollercoaster. Ups and downs, and you never know what will set you off. it can be the most innocuous thing. Last spring on the way to church one Sunday I got weepy, I don't recall or know what set it off. It continued the whole day, I remember having a crying spell in the bedroom at one point. That evening as I prepared dinner, Hugh and I had a small drink, plus we had wine with dinner. I did not drink anymore than I usually do on such occasions. I rarely get even tipsy. But I think with the crying I had been doing that day, it just got the better of me somehow. I broke down during dinner, Hugh ended up taking me to the bedroom. I recall wailing even, I was a mess. And I am ashamed. I recall feeling like I was out of control, like I was a messy, sloppy drunk. As I said, I had no more than usual that night (and we really only have drinks on weekends, maybe 1 night a week. I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it was quite a display, and I hate that I lost control like that with the kids around. It was awful. I remember it all, and I had no hangover, so why was I such a mess? I don't know. But I shudder every time I think about it. Hugh was really good to me that night, I am sorry I put him and the kids through that. I went to bed early and slept til alarm. But I know next time I have a slightly weepy day, I won't drink at all. I wish I could forget that night. I feel very ashamed when I think about it.