When Tim was little, he loved watching Alice in Wonderland. When he saw the crescent moon one night, he thought it was, as he called it, the Treshire Cat. I tried to take a picture of the one I saw tonight, but my little camera would not do it justice. I took this one in the summer of 2010 while staying at a monastery in Santa Barbara with my sister. Every time I see the Treshire Cat moon, I imagine it is Tim smiling down on us. It gives me a smile every time. Sometimes there is a star near one of the corners, that is one of Tim's dimples!
Grief is different for everyone. Just know that. Men and women are different, and they grieve differently most of the time. That is just a fact. And what is true for one man or woman may not be true for another. Will not be true for another. My husband and I shared this beautiful boy. We made him together. But we also had different relationships with him, each of us. And we grieve his death differently. It affects us differently, and we behave differently. And none of it is wrong. It's just different. One may keep all their grief inside, the other may wail out loud, often. One might sleep a lot, the other might not sleep very well at all. One may want to be alone, another may become more clingy. As long as one person isn't upset because someone else is not grieving as they are, all will be well. Just be patient with them if they are having a bad day, give them more of whatever they need; space, closeness, etc. And if you think someone should be crying more, grieving more, remember, you don't know what is going on in their heart or head. Or the breakdown they might be having when they are alone in the car everyday, or the shower every night.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross brought us the 5 stages of grief. Unfortunately, it was misused and misunderstood. It was never meant to be a manual for grief. There is no such thing. But, these stages are frequent symptoms of grieving people. Not in any particular order, nor will each person even experience each of the stages. It was several years in fact, before I felt any anger. Not sure I ever really felt denial. Though I certainly said "I can't believe he is dead", I still knew he was. This goes back to grief being different for everyone.
There is no timeline for grief. There is not a cut off when the pain and crying finally stop. But for most people, especially I think if they have a good support system, there comes a time when you find yourself living again. It might even shock you to realize it. You are laughing, enjoying yourself and being a somewhat "normal" person. And it's ok to live again, laugh again. But it won't happen at any particular time. Don't let people tell you it's time to get over it. Maybe they can't handle the grief, and that's ok, but you have to let it happen. Let the tears happen, let the smiles happen, anytime you feel them. The people who tell you that you need to get over it want it for their sake, not yours. Don't let it get to you.
I think I blabbed enough for tonight, but in the next couple of days I will talk about the physical side of grief, it is not all emotional.
Peace
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