Heart stoppers

Yosemite, one of my favorite things. I could live here.

Shortly after I got home today, after work and picking up kids from HS, 20 year old son borrowed the car to go to band practice. There was a knock on the door about 15 minutes after he left, and I know it wasn't the girls' friend, she was not home yet. I opened the door, and there stood a sheriff's deputy. Yep, that is a heart stopper! He was just looking for a person whose name I did not recognize. My adrenaline kept pulsing for about 5 minutes. I chastised him too, in fun, explaining why I was so startled to see him. He laughed and apologized. He was young, when he has grown kids of his own who are going out with friends, or borrowing the car, he will understand that moment of panic.

In the year or 2 following Tim's death (I know it was in this time span, because said 20 year old was still at the middle school where I work), I showed up to work in the morning and there was an ambulance in front of the school. It's a wonder I didn't crash my car. Looking back, I can rationalize with myself that there was a 1 in 1800 or so chance that something awful had happened to my son, but it was too soon on the heels of the death of his brother, that I was not rational. The teacher who had a heart attack in front of the school that day retired a year and a half ago. I am glad he was ok. But more glad that my son was ok. I think Mr. N.   would understand.

Above mentioned 20 year old graduated HS in 2009. I think it was sometime during that school year, maybe 1 before it, he was riding his bike home from school. I had just pulled into to a parking space at home when he called me, and said he had been hit by a car! I immediately got the shakes, and cold all over. It took a few minutes to suddenly realize, "he called me, he is ok." and I had to keep repeating that to myself as I drove the short distance to where he was (maybe a mile from home). "He called me, he is ok." And he was ok. Some sore knees, and probably a little pumped up from the adrenaline himself, but he was ok. Oh, I hugged him so hard, I was afraid to let go. The woman who hit was was very upset (as she should be), and very apologetic. I assured her that as long as he was fine, that was all that mattered. I had all her information, and her insurance company called me the next day, but there was never any need for that. My son was ok. He is ok. Thank God!

A couple of summers ago, I was sitting here at my table on the computer. An e-mail came in from church. Urgent. A young girl, 15 1/2 years old, the daughter of a dear friend, had been in a serious accident, with serious head injuries. Another heart stopper. I got chilled, and was covered from head to toe in goose bumps. (not sure if I mentioned this previously or not, but I could just not get warm in the 5 days to a week after Tim's death. I was cold all the time, and nothing was warm enough for me. This felt like that.). I found out where she was, and thought, "I must go be with L___. But I second guessed myself and just did not know how I could be there for her emotionally. I was afraid I would fall apart. I did not take long to decide to go anyway. It was not about me and my emotions, it was about being there for someone who needed me. And so I went. And I was cold. And in shock I think. I first came across her 2 sons, who were trying to find out where they had moved their sister while they were gone briefly from the hospital. Once they found out, we all went over there. Lots of family was already present, and friends. I hugged my friends, and cried with them. It was all I could do. That and pray. And I rejoice daily that this young girl just turned 18, and will be graduating with her class in June. Hers was a massive head trauma, and her life is a miracle.

{Am I jealous that their daughter/sister is alive and well, and my son is not? I'd be lying if I said no. Of course I am, a little. Not jealous of them, no anger or animosity toward them, just jealous that my son did not survive his massive head trauma. But oh, so happy for this family, for this girl's life. And feeling this way, being able to rejoice in their happiness, makes me know I am still alive. For a long time, I felt dead inside.}

Peace.

love you L___