Daddies

  Tim & his Daddy

Do you remember me talking about everyones grief being different? The following thoughts are kind of an extension of that. I think it is true that most of us, if dealing with a family that has lost a child, really pour a lot of our compassion and sympathy out on the Mom, not as much for the Dad. I believe this stems from the old-fashioned thoughts that the father/husband is the strong one, the bread winner, the fixer, the hunter/gatherer, the mother is the nurturer. And "men don't cry". That's a lot of BS. Men cry. And maybe people are uncomfortable with a man crying. Men miss their babies just as much as women do. Maybe more in some cases, depending on the relationship.  And for that reason, the Daddies need love and compassion as well. They need someone to put their arms around them, and let them cry. They need to know that they also counted in this relationship. They need to hear you remember their child, and say his/her name. They love that child with all their heart, and they are in deep agony.

A thought just occurred to me as I typed this out; as I stated in an earlier post, hubby suffers from some medical issues (nothing serious), that cropped up since Tim died. He certainly cried, and even wailed, over the death of our son. I know he still cries. But maybe he wasn't able to let it all out, and/or maybe didn't get the level of sympathy and caring I received, and so his grief manifested itself in certain physical, medical ways. I could be way off base, I am certainly not a doctor or scientist, but I think it's a possibility. It would make for an interesting study for some medical group.

And anyway, the point I want to make here is: Don't forget the Daddies! They love their children so much, and they will miss them, and their hearts will break for these lives cut so short. They need the care and comfort just as much. I have seen grieving fathers, and been held by them so hard, as if they thought that if they let go, they would be lost forever. It's a powerful thing, this grief. Give them your time and your love. They will appreciate it. Even if they can't show it.

Peace.