I think I will keep posting my journal from 8 years ago (like other times I started a journal, I didn't get far with it). Then I will move on to other things.
January 3,
On Saturday, since Santa Claus had given us tickets to see the play, The Producers, we took Nathan with us. It was at the Pantages Theater in Hollywood, starring Jason Alexander and Martin Short. Tim really loved the movie, with Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel, he would have been cracking up with the play. I am sure he was enjoying it with us, I could almost hear his laugh. While we were gone, pretending things were normal for awhile, Steve and Carol were busy cleaning the house, taking care of library books, and other things that needed doing. What a wonderful help that was. They were still cleaning when we got home, and shortly after we got there, Wanda Hamilton from the troop showed up with ham and scalloped potatoes, all nice and warm for our dinner. It was delicious. Carol did her sewing that night, Rosemary had kindly brought over a sewing machine for her to use. Some of the stuff she did by hand, because we did not have the right colored thread. From Christmas Day on, I think, Hugh was working on a eulogy. It was such a hard thing for him to do, and he wrote such a beautiful one.
On Sunday, December 28, we had a memorial service for Tim at St. Matthew's. A woman from the church named Donna took care of all the food for after the service. My friends from Bernice Ayer, Jane Tunzi, Jamie Hammock, and Nancy Kline, came by at about noon to pick up flowers, and memories for a table, and they went up there and set it up. They did a really nice job with the pictures, trophies, etc. The service was scheduled for 2pm, and it was Feast of the Holy Innocents Day.
We all left here at 1, Steve drove, while Hugh, Dennis and I sat in the back with Tim. There were already lots of people there when we got there, things were set up. We brought Tim into the church and put him on the table they had there, with an acorn his favorite aunt Carol had brought for him from Central Park. Then we went into the hall for awhile, we were quite early. I know lots of people came up to me, but I can't recall who. Tim's troop was lined against either side of the church when we got there. Tom Flannery, Tim's choral director, was there to sing some songs. He sang Dona Nobis Pacem with other members of the choir, and at the end he sang Go Rest High On That Mountain, and Softly, Tenderly. He did an awesome job. My brother Steve sang my favorite, Amazing Grace. He too, did an awesome job. Tim's youth group leader, Lisa, also did a couple of beautiful pieces. Fr. Scarlett had selected some nice pieces to be read, and did a very nice ...I don't know what you call it, maybe sermon in a regular service, but it was appropriate and very well said. Hugh presented the eulogy(or eugoogaly) eloquently and beautifully. There was laughter and tears. At the end, John Lodwick, Scoutmaster for Troop 774, came forward to say a few words, he was funny, and sweet, and heartbroken. After that, he had SPL Danny Lopez retire the flags the troop has been using since they were formed, the US flag, and troop flag, and they were presented to Hugh. Hugh and I left the church with Tim, and I was overwhelmed by all the people I could see through my tears. They had brought in extra chairs, and there were people in the hall as well. The boys in the troop stayed at their posts until everyone was out of the church. Hugh and I stood by Tim, to accept peoples condolences, etc. There was our old Cub Scout Pack, another Troop that boys from our Pack went into. Teachers of Tim's from grade school, teachers and principals from Bernice Ayer Middle School, where I used to work, Niguel Hills Middle School, where Tim went, Dennis goes, and I work now, and from Aliso Niguel High School, plus some campus supervisors from Tim's school. The principal there, Dr. Salter, put his vacation on hold a day to attend. People I worked with, or work with, people Hugh works with. I think there must have been close to 200 people.(I learned on Sunday at church that it was likely over 200, about 220 or so) It was overwhelming, the people who cared about Tim, or us, so many wonderful people. There was plenty of food, Carol made sure I got some coffee and food, I had not eaten any lunch, was not sure that I could. But I managed to get some food down there. I am not sure what time we left. Christy DeBarge, her husband?, and Iris Lopez followed us with trays of food, and all the flowers and stuff. We nibbled at night. Iris Lopez is putting together a memory book for us, and a box for the flags.
We have received money from all over to help cover our costs, and are putting it to good use. We still have Tim's bike accident bill to pay, so we can get that taken care of. It looks like we reached our deductible, because it does not look like we have anything to pay for Tim's ear surgery.
Steve left on Tuesday the 30th. Carol left New Year's Eve, at 9 pm. With both of them gone, things have really hit home. Our family is just the 3 of us now. Dennis and I stayed up New Year's Eve, and made a small fuss with some confetti poppers at midnight. I had an awful dream that night. I don't know what we were doing, and that is not as important as the fact that Tim was not with us, it was just Hugh, and Dennis, and me. And in my dream, it seemed normal, and I didn't wonder about Tim at all. That hurt so much.
On New Year's Day, we did our usual thing: taking down the Christmas decorations. All the lights outside, which Tim did a lot of work on, and the tree. I was glad to get rid of it all on one hand, and sorrier than I have ever been to see it come down. I would have liked to leave the lights Tim put out up forever, but that is not practical
Things got put back together, the antique sewing machine is back out in the livingroom, with my Grandmother's rocking chair, and a new floor lamp, with table and magazine rack.
Among all the flowers we got, we received 3 peace lilies. One of those is on the sewing machine, one on the speaker that sits on the sewing machine, and one on the hearth. The one on the hearth has buds and a bloom, I forget where that one came from
I took all the flowers out today, tied them up and hung them outside for now, it's a dry breezy day. There were so many flowers and plants, and they were all beautiful. Dave and Cathlene sent roses, 15 white ones and 1 red one. Steve and Carol picked out a nice mix, it is still in fairly good shape, I just pulled out the dying flowers, and put it back inside, it's full of colors, and beautiful, Tim would have loved it. It was from the whole family. I plan to take all the flowers, minus the stems, and when we take Tim to where ever we take him, I will take the dried flowers with us
Yesterday we went out, we were all in need of some new clothing, jeans mostly, so we did a little shopping. It was rainy yesterday, today is dry, breezy and kind of cool. When Dennis is ready, we will go get Charlotte and bring her over here for a few hours, if she is up to it. She was devastated over the news of Tim, and mentioned she could not imagine what it must be like to lose a child, that had never happened to her. We all, Dennis included, kept our mouths shut. Hugh's brother Malcolm died in 1981, after a hang-gliding accident. She does not remember that, thank goodness. She keeps dwelling on the death of her husband, Arthur. He died 3 years ago, and she is convinced that either it just happened, or she was just informed of it. We keep gently reminding her that she was with him when he died, she was well aware of it, and that she blocked it out of her mind because it was so painful. Just lately, she has been saying, "did you know that Norm had died?". Norm is Hugh's other brother, and he is still very much alive, we think she is transferring his name where Dad's should be. I keep hoping she will forget about Tim, and we can just tell her he is with a friend. We decided to not have her at the service, everyone thinks it was the right decision. It just would have been too much. She would not even stay on Christmas day because she was too upset. My mother, Elva, lives with my brother Dave now. She can not take care of herself, so Cathlene stays home and tends to her. I think it will not be long before both of our Moms are in full care homes. Dave decided it was best not to tell Mom, and I agree. Though I could use some of her comfort now, she is not the same person she was, and it would have just made things worse, whether she understood who had died or not. (1/16/12: the following summer, I had a change of heart, and I thought she should know. And I had to tell her. And I feel that was the right thing to do)
Dennis has been awesome, though we worry about him. He has been right there to comfort us when we were crying, or visibly upset, and he has cried a few times himself. I imagine some day this might hit him really hard. Or maybe not. Tim was always the one to break down when a pet died, Dennis was always very matter of fact about it, though he loves and has an affinity with animals. He wants to remove the top bunk of the beds, and has not expressed an interest in many of Tim's things, though he will take all the toys, I am sure. He only wants a couple articles of clothing. We'll see what else he wants to keep.
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