The rest of the journal:
March 29, 2004
Tim was born on May 10th, 1988. We had tried for a few years to get pregnant, at least two, anyway. I was doing the temperature thing and tracking everything, and every once in awhile, I would be a few to several days late, and get so excited, then get a test taken, only to have it come back negative, and start my cycle within a day or two. It was sad and depressing. Tim was conceived on August 15, 1987. I know the date, because the pregnancy kind of snuck up on me. Hugh was scheduled to go to MA on business, and was leaving a couple days early to visit with our friends up there. But I determined from my calendar that he was leaving too early. So we took care of things before he left, and I remember that day well. He had a schedule for the shuttle that left from a nearby hotel, so I didn't have to drive him all the way to DC. We were living in Fredericksburg, VA at the time. Well, he was used to leaving on a weekday, and this was a Saturday, and the schedule was different. So on a hot, sticky summer day in Virginia, I had to drive him to DC, his flight was leaving National Airport, now called Ronald Reagan Airport. I was stuck in beach traffic heading back, with no A/C in the car, and figuring I was going to be late to work, and fuming! I was late, but not too much. Some time the next month, I realized I was about 10 days late, and went and had a test. I was going crazy when they finally called and told me it was positive! I screamed in the poor nurse's ear! I couldn't wait, and called Hugh at work. He was not surprised. Then I called my Mom at work. I was so excited.
I recall so much about my pregnancy, Tim's birth, and his younger years, milestones. More than I remember about Dennis. I think it is just the newness of it all, it remains very sharp in the memory, even a poor memory like mine. I recall the first time I heard his heartbeat, I cried. What an incredible miracle. I had an ultrasound early on, and there was some concern about the placenta lying across the cervix. At that point it was not a problem, only if it did not move by the time I was at term. We opted to be surprised about the sex of the baby. I remember the first time I thought I felt anything, it felt like butterflies in my stomach. It was on Thanksgiving, we were at Steve's wife's family's house outside of Virginia Beach. Poor Hugh never felt either baby move, or saw it. Every time I would take his hand and put it on my belly, the baby would stop, or it would be so subtle that he did not feel it. But I sure felt it. And I recall lying on my stomach on the floor at home reading the paper. It was still early on, but far enough along that Tim let me know I could no lie on my stomach any longer. Not while he was in there!
I had very little morning sickness, and it was not relegated to just morning. Anytime I had gone too long without eating. In fact, I recall being at work and thinking that I was feeling kind of nauseous, maybe if I ate an early lunch, I would feel better. This was before I knew I was pregnant. Some smells would make me sick, like the smell of gasoline at a gas pump. If I ate too much, I got ill too.
Hugh had started a new job shortly after I got pregnant. So he was not as available to take time off to go to appointments with me, and one time he did, I was so caught up in things, I forgot to ask if he could come back and hear the heartbeat. I was so sick over that, I felt awful about it, very guilty.
I had a healthy pregnancy, no problems. We bought a townhouse and moved in February of 1988, in Manassas, VA. So I had to get a new Dr. My first Dr thought at first I might be carrying twins, because my uterus seemed larger than it should be for as far along as I was. I remember the fright I got when he asked if there was a history of twins in my family! Yikes, twins?? There were some instances of it in Hugh's father's family, but not mine! But it was only 1. Another ultrasound at the new Dr, in February revealed that the placenta had moved, and was no longer a problem. Hugh was there for that one, I am glad. He had to show us in sections, because Tim was so big in there, and he was trying to be careful not to show us what the sex was. He asked a few times if we were sure we didn't want to know, because he said it was very apparent what it was. I figured that could mean anything, not necessarily that it was a boy. It could have been equally obvious that it was a girl.
I was due on May 8th, which was Mother's Day. After seeing me on Thursday, the Dr said that if I had not gone into labor, he was going to induce on Tuesday, May 10th. I have a small pelvic opening, small all around, and he didn't want the baby getting any bigger. Because of how big I was, he thought I was going to have a 10 pound baby! He had never seen me not pregnant, so he could not compare anything.
March 29, 2004 part 2
Just a few different things to say here, I will finish up with the birth and stuff at another time.
The past few days have been hard. Well, really, since last Monday. It was the 22nd of March, and it was a Monday. Three months to the day that Tim died. That was hard. Then Tuesday night five boys in the troop made Eagle. That was awfully hard too, though I tried to remain happy for the boys. I know I will never pin an Eagle medal on Tim's uniform. That hurt so so much. He had worked hard to get to Life Scout, and I was so proud of him for getting that far, with some coaxing, and yes, some nagging. I know he would have made it, though Hugh was not so sure, and he(Hugh) was ok with that too.
And lately, even the memories that are happy make me sad. I have been feeling so down for a week now. I am sure I will come out of it, but I just feel very depressed, and uninspired.
I have at least started walking. Last Wednesday I walked 2 miles, over 4 on Thursday, and about 1 ½ on Friday. Today I walked about 2 miles, plus whatever I do at work. It was too hot to walk to work today, I did my walking in the morning. It was supposed to hit 90 today. It didn't feel that hot, but it was pretty warm.
On Sunday in church, we were saying The Lord's Prayer, and I was thinking of Tim, and my Grandfather, whom I used to kneel beside and say my prayers with when I was a little girl. I got emotional, and my voice caught during the prayer. I felt a pressure against my arm, and I figured Dennis heard my voice, knew I was having problems, and leaned over to give me some emotional support. Well, I looked down to kiss his head as it leaned against my arm, but it was not there, he was kneeling more upright, and I was kind of back against the pew to give my knees a break. It was not him, so I have to figure it was Tim. That was nice, but even that can not pull me out of this funk I am currently in.
That was the end of my journal. Now I guess I will have to come up with some new thoughts. More another day!
No comments:
Post a Comment