And now, more from that journal from so long ago:
January 5, 2004
Well, we all went back to work and school today. I might not have, was not sure if I was ready, but Hugh was ready, and Dennis was going back to school, I did not want to be here alone. Yesterday I wrote out 24 thank you cards, still have lots more to go, need to buy some more. Hugh wrote out some for work, and brought extras to work with him. I took Tim's books to the high school today. I was doing ok as I walked into the office, then the student aid behind the desk asked if she could help me, and I told her I had brought my son's books, and I broke down. I left, after leaving the books on the desk, then went back because I had a couple of cards I wanted to leave. The lady behind the desk gave me a big hug, then sat me down while she went in to talk to Dr. Charles Salter, the principal(he delayed the vacation he was supposed to leave for, to come to Tim's service). As I was sitting there, I saw Tim's guidance counselor, Mary McKenna go by, and she smiled and said hi. That kind of surprised me, until I had a message from her later saying she had not known about Tim when she saw me. She is a very nice lady, and I could tell she felt badly. I went back and sat with Dr. Salter for awhile, and we talked a bit, and I got calmed down enough to leave.
Work I knew would be hard the first day, I think maybe the first week, because I did not see all the teachers that know me, or knew Tim, so there will be more hugs, and sadness to work through. But today was a beautiful day, the sky was the most brilliant blue, and I stood by myself for awhile at the back of the school, where I knew I would not be disturbed, and felt the breeze, and looked up into a sky, I now realize, as blue as Tim's eyes. And I was just now, as I typed this, reminded of 2 lines from a poem Tim had to do in the 3rd grade, titled I Am. "I feel the wind touch my face. I touch the sky when I am dreaming." And I know now, that when I felt some moment of peace there, as I prayed to God, and thanked Him for carrying us, that Tim and God were with me. It was a small, beautiful moment in a dismal time, and it gave me hope for a tiny bit. I don't understand why Tim was taken from us at such a young age, and so violently, but God has his reasons, I have to believe that, or I would be totally lost (note to self on 1/17/2012: revisit this "belief" in a later blog. I have some stuff to say about that, and the next line as well). Someone told me today the one thought I had, that God needed another sweet voice for the choir of angels. I will hold onto that thought as much as I can. Only God knows the real answers, and Tim, now. Maybe in time something from this will become clear to us, and maybe not until we have died, and hopefully join Tim in heaven. My sister Carol told me the other day, "Won't Mom be surprised when she gets to heaven and finds Tim already there?" And while it was sad in a way, it made me smile too, to know Tim will be there to greet her, along with her parents, my grandparents.
January 6, 2004S
It's little things that strike hard when we least expect it. A few days ago, Hugh was dividing up some hamburger meat for the freezer, and realized we didn't need as much in a package anymore. I bought milk a couple of days ago, 2 gallons like we usually get, and as I see very little has been poured out of the first gallon, I wonder if I bought too much, Dennis is the only one who drinks it.
January 8, 2004
I can go days in a row without crying, then I think something, or see something, and I break down.. Today was a rough day, and it was nothing I saw, or heard, or thought of. I just miss Tim so much, and it feels like my heart was ripped out at times. I had some tears in a store I was in, and had a meltdown at work today. I was shaky to begin with, then someone asked me how I was, and I lost it. I cried on her shoulder for awhile, then went into the ladies room, and sobbed. KG, the AP, came and got me and brought me into her office. Oh God, it hurt so much. But I didn't want to go home, and be alone with my sadness. I figured if I could make it through lunch, something to occupy my mind a bit, I could hang in there. And I got it together, splashed my face with some cold water, and managed to last the day, and even have some laughs. I wish Tim was here annoying me in some way. I love him so much, we all do. I smile when I think of how happy he was to be taller than me, finally. He was 5', 1 ½". But it seems so hard to believe that the vibrant, vibrating body that was his is now in a box about 6" deep, and maybe 6" wide. I know that is not him in there, not the spirit of him, but it was the package that beautiful spirit was in, and now it is just ashes, and it's all we have, that and memories. And we are supposed to somehow get by with just that.
January 11, 2004
I mourn my mother. She is still alive, living in Connecticut with my brother Dave. Her mind is not what is used to be. On Thursday I wanted so badly to call her and get the love and support that I knew she would have for me. But my Mom is not there anymore. Not the person she used to be. If she was, she would be out here with us, just as heartbroken, but helping us through it. I knew someday I would experience this. I recall Mom being sad about her mother being gone, she had died in 1981(the year I met my wonderful husband), and how she wished she had been there for Mom to call on when she was going through her own trying times. I am feeling the same regrets, though my mother is still alive. I did call her today, just to hear her voice. And even though the conversation wandered, and I was not always sure of what she was talking about, it was nice to hear her voice, and pretend for awhile that it was my Mom. She asked about the boys, though she can't call them by names, which she does not remember. I told her they were fine. She asked me if everything was ok, she said I sounded a bit down. I nearly lost it then. I told her I was just tired, with the bronchitis I have.
This pain is more physical than I could possibly have imagined. Who knew a broken heart could have such a physical hurt? I always thought it was all emotional. Everyone back East is glad we have so many people taking such good care of us out here, since they can't be here. And we do have an amazing network of people looking out for us. Our coworkers, Cub Scout families(have not been in Cub Scouts for 2 years) and Boy Scout families. We get 3 meals a week from Cub Scout families, and we can't turn them down, it is such a blessing. These people don't know what else to do, so we welcome the meals gratefully. We gave a lot of our time to Cub Scouts, especially Hugh, though we don't see it that way. We were doing it for our kids, and we had more kids than we imagined! And they say what goes around comes around, as my brother Dave told me tonight, and I guess that is so. Thank God for these wonderful people, what a blessing. Kim Johnson brought over bagels, muffins and cream cheese, and sat and had coffee and breakfast with us, and her kids, Charlie and Katie. It was nice, there were tears and laughter, and she has such a big heart. A lovely, lovely woman. And my friends from my old school call me all the time to check on me. God Bless them all. We received the death certificate yesterday. And a Deputy came over last night to ask some questions about Tim, mostly medical. In the autopsy, which this man was there for, they found the cotton in his ear from his ear surgery. It was packing, and he was supposed to start ear drops on the 30th of Dec to start dissolving the packing material. It could have been a factor. He was very nice, said he did not want to disturb us earlier, but they needed to get going on the investigation, and that he would call us weekly to let us know what was going on
I have put on some weight since this happened. I had lost 35 pounds from May to September, since I started Atkins and walking, and more since September, but have not been good lately. I didn't eat for nearly 3 days afterward, or not very much, and since then, I have been non stop eating. And since people are bringing meals 3 nights a week, I don't want to ask that they work it out for my diet, so I will start trying to walk more again, and just try and be good the other times.
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