When a loved one has died, certain dates are a lot harder than others. The holidays will always be hard, and of course birthdays. Also, and it seems especially true for parents who have lost children, the anniversary of the date of death. On some boards and forums, parents refer to these dates as angelversaries. It has been my experience that the days leading up to these dates, or the weeks, are much worse than the actual day. I have experienced much anxiety, nervousness, short temper, deep emotions of all kinds in the days and weeks leading up to Tim's birthday or "angelversary". It has been some very traumatizing times. But each time, no matter how anxious I was in those days or weeks, the actual day was filled with more calm. I did what I needed to do on those days, honoring him as best I could with the family. And it helped to have that time to do so. The past 2 years on Dec 22, I have done kitchen therapy. Making Christmas fudge and other goodies to share with family & friends. I think this tradition will continue, it works.
Tim's birthday is May 10, just 3 days from today. Yes, he is on my mind more than usual (and he is on my mind every day), but this year, I feel I am running on a more even keel. I wonder, and won't know until December or maybe even next May, if this trend will continue; if, after 8 1/2 years, this issue is no longer an issue. Time will tell. Time, after all, is the great equalizer.
As we do every year on his birthday, all of the immediate family that are able to, drive up to the mountains and hike up to Tim's Meadow. We bring cupcakes and candles, rocks we have been collecting for him, and flowers I might have dried throughout the year. This year we will celebrate his 24th birthday. And in spite of what I wrote earlier about not having so much anxiety, as I type these words, as I contemplate his 24th birthday, and the fact that he is not here in person to celebrate, I cry. It just seems so unfair.
Perhaps I should have waited until after his birthday to type this, because I might have created some emotional turmoil for myself just now. But who knows, if not this, maybe something else would have done it. I am glad I have a short work week this week.
I lalu Tim, and I miss you so very much.