Sunday, August 10, 2014

While at church today, I noticed a bit of waxed paper sticking out of my prayer book. I knew what it was, and opened it to put it back in place. I was not prepared for the tears it evoked. My grand-niece (great-niece?), Samantha, gave this to me in 2005. I was in CT, and we (siblings and other family) were gathering at my sister's home there to caravan to Riverside Cemetery  in Wakefield, RI. Our maternal Grandparents are buried there, and we were going to spread our Mother's/grandmother's ashes there, per her wishes. When my nephew and his family arrived, Samantha had this beautiful fall leaf for me. And it has been in my prayer book ever since. It was a day of tears, and memories. I don't recall how much I cried. We had lunch afterward at the same restaurant where our parents had their wedding breakfast after getting married in 1952. I can say that the memory of this day made me cry. There were tears, laughter and memories shared. There was some heartache, for sure.
That night in the hospital, after our son's accident, the first call I wanted to make was to my Mom. But she had Alzheimer's, and just would not have been there as I needed her to be. So I called my oldest sister, and she spread the word and got the prayers going. It was 6 months before I finally told my Mom. I called (3,000 miles away). My sister was there with her when I called. She understood what I was telling her, and she cried, heartbroken. I can't say what was in her mind later that night, perhaps trying to remember the sad news she had received. She was a loving and prayerful mother and grandmother. And I don't hold it against her that she was "not there" when I needed her, but oh, I wanted her to hold me and be my Mother again. That was hard. And that it what I am remembering today. My loss of my mother.when I needed her most. I don't blame her, just sorrowful. And remembering what a sister said, (sic) "imagine how happy Mom must have been to find Tim there to welcome her!". I am grateful for the memory of my Mom, and my son, even in my sorrow and tears.
Thank you, Samantha, for the gift you gave me, in your beautiful innocence.
Peace